When it comes to relationship conflict, it can feel like you’re the only couple with conflict. It might seem like other couples have a much easier time resolving conflict and that it shouldn’t be so hard for you. Most couples deal with similar conflicts. Some common issues I see are:

1. Someone feels like it’s their fault
During conflict, it’s natural to want to place blame. You might point the finger at each other or take the “everything is always my fault” stance. Usually, there’s room for each person to take responsibility for how they’ve contributed to the problem. It might be being accountable for something you said or did, or owning your feelings or reaction to a situation. Remember, it takes two people to have a fight and to resolve it.

2. Avoid conflict
Most people don’t like fighting with their partner. One of the big issues is avoiding the issue in the first place. Less conflict is not necessarily good. Conflict is inevitable. Although it might not always feel like it, dealing with it productively can boost your sense of connection and help you grow as a couple. When you consistently avoid addressing issues, there’s a good chance resentment or other emotional clutter will build up between you. Problems don’t go away just because you avoid them. Working through problems together will be uncomfortable – But worth it.

3. We can’t agree to resolve
You’re working through issues, but don’t know how to solve them – this is normal. You are two individuals who have different personalities and ways of thinking. These differences carry over into problem-solving your conflicts. An important thing to keep in mind as you work toward a resolution is that you and your partner are on the same team. It’s not about “winning” or trying to work things in your favour. But, working as a team to come up with the best solution for the relationship.

4. Fight over trivial things
A casual comment about how the dishwasher is loaded leads to a big blow-up argument, and you don’t speak to each other for days. Is it really about the dishwasher? Or is there an underlying issue that’s been festering for a while but being avoided. Sometimes it is the avoidance of dealing with the issue simply because you are avoiding an argument. Meanwhile, internally your negative emotions are festering. Other times, a casual conversation can derail into an argument because one or both of you is getting defensive and misunderstanding each other.

5. Fighting about the same things
Do you have certain topics you simply do not agree on? Unsure what steps to take next, concerned about it damaging your relationship? It can be frustrating, having this elephant in the room, but – it’s okay to disagree! In these situations, the key to breaking the stalemate is to start working toward some middle ground instead of complete and total agreement.

When you’re in the thick of conflict, it can feel like you’re the only couple going through it. Most couples experience these issues to some extent.

Remember avoidance does not work, so instead letting things fester why not talk about things sooner than later?