“Aren’t you getting ready?”
“No, I thought you said we were not going.”
“Remember we talked about this, and you said if I wanted you to go, that you would go?”
“I assumed you would go, as you know this is important to me!”
“Ugh!”
“No, I thought you said we were not going.”
“Remember we talked about this, and you said if I wanted you to go, that you would go?”
“I assumed you would go, as you know this is important to me!”
“Ugh!”
The above conversation is common for many couples. Miscommunications and misunderstandings bubble up due to the making of assumptions about each other. We don’t do it intentionally and usually we don’t realise we’re making assumptions. Let’s look at five common assumptions that cause conflict in relationships.
1. Assuming what they mean
When we make assumptions about the meaning behind something our partner says, there is a 50-50 chance you will be right or wrong. Why? We assign our own meaning to something they say, and then respond to those words, instead of what they actually have said. This will lead to misunderstandings and conflict if we have got it wrong. The key thing is to be mindful of your emotions and responding with curiosity instead of jumping to conclusions which will take you to conflict.
When we make assumptions about the meaning behind something our partner says, there is a 50-50 chance you will be right or wrong. Why? We assign our own meaning to something they say, and then respond to those words, instead of what they actually have said. This will lead to misunderstandings and conflict if we have got it wrong. The key thing is to be mindful of your emotions and responding with curiosity instead of jumping to conclusions which will take you to conflict.
2. Assuming what they’re responsible for
When something has not been done because one or both of you made assumptions about who was responsible for it. Very frustrating. The main way to avoid this is by communicating, even when you think something “goes without saying.” By double checking, things will not be missed and will save you from having crossed wires.
When something has not been done because one or both of you made assumptions about who was responsible for it. Very frustrating. The main way to avoid this is by communicating, even when you think something “goes without saying.” By double checking, things will not be missed and will save you from having crossed wires.
3. Assuming their preferences
Once you have been together for a while, we like to think we know our partners likes and dislikes well. It is good to check with them before making decisions on their behalf. Just like we grow and change as individuals, our preferences can also change. By checking in with them on what they prefer, you leave room for them to change their preference, as well as showing them respect that you check in with them.
Once you have been together for a while, we like to think we know our partners likes and dislikes well. It is good to check with them before making decisions on their behalf. Just like we grow and change as individuals, our preferences can also change. By checking in with them on what they prefer, you leave room for them to change their preference, as well as showing them respect that you check in with them.
4. Assuming their intentions
Your spouse is late – again. Maybe they’re late on purpose for a reason. Your annoyance begins turning to anger. When we assume the worst of our partner’s intentions before we have all the facts, it stirs up our negative emotions. We might be ready to lash out unfairly, causing them to be defensive and kicking off an argument. Instead, strive to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent.
Your spouse is late – again. Maybe they’re late on purpose for a reason. Your annoyance begins turning to anger. When we assume the worst of our partner’s intentions before we have all the facts, it stirs up our negative emotions. We might be ready to lash out unfairly, causing them to be defensive and kicking off an argument. Instead, strive to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent.
5. Assuming what they know (or should know)
Most of us think our partner is a mind reader – they should know what we want or need, and this can result in unmet expectations. Or we think they (should) know something simply because it seems obvious to us, leading to all kinds of mix-ups, misunderstandings, and arguments. By letting your partner know what need from them ensures they know and stops you from expecting that they will do something when they don’t know about it. Similarly, being intentional about communicating important information – and confirming they’ve received it – can help you avoid unnecessary fights.
Most of us think our partner is a mind reader – they should know what we want or need, and this can result in unmet expectations. Or we think they (should) know something simply because it seems obvious to us, leading to all kinds of mix-ups, misunderstandings, and arguments. By letting your partner know what need from them ensures they know and stops you from expecting that they will do something when they don’t know about it. Similarly, being intentional about communicating important information – and confirming they’ve received it – can help you avoid unnecessary fights.
As humans, it’s in our nature to make assumptions based on the information we have. In the context of relationships, however, it’s important to remember that what we think we know to be true isn’t always so. By checking in with your partner and communicating even when you don’t think it’s necessary, you can avoid jumping to conclusions and allowing incorrect assumptions to cause conflict in your relationship.
