As a relationship counsellor, I’m often asked why so many relationships fail. In the 25 years I have worked with couples, I’ve discovered five relationship killers:

Controlling Behaviour

Some people enter a relationship with a fear of rejection; this fear can become controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour falls into two categories – overt and covert.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

Resistance

Some people enter a relationship with a fear of being controlled. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilised. Partners in this relationship feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

Neediness

Some people believe it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness and make them feel happy. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

Substance and Process Addictions

Some people use substances to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of unhappiness. Alcohol/drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things and so on, are ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

Eyes On Partner

Often you can say what your partner is doing wrong, but unaware of what you are doing. You might be aware of your partner’s anger, but unaware of you making them angry. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behaviour, but very unaware of your behaviours. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

Resolving Relationship Killers

All relationship killers come from fear of – inadequacy, failure, rejection and trapped. As long as these fears are in your life, you will behave in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You need to move beyond controlling, being needy and learn how to accept yourself and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s faults and turn your eyes on your faults, both you and your relationship will change.

What if these five were not present in your relationship?