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5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Here are five major relationship killers you may want to avoid:

Controlling Behaviour – Some people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour falls into two major categories: overt control and covert control.

Overt control is attacking which includes blaming, anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism, and ridicule. Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying, and denying.

Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked. Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

Resistance – Some people enter a relationship with a deep fear of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance or withdrawal. When one partner is controlling, and the other is resistant which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilised. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

Neediness – Some people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need. Your partner’s job is not to complete you, but to compliment you.

Substance and Process Addictions – Most people who feel empty inside turn to addictions of some kind (Food, work, sport academia, drugs, alcohol, gambling and watching porn – are the common ones). While no one plans to become an addict (in any realm) it can happen. This usually creates an unhealthy environment where the thing you are addicted to becomes the Master of you rather than you of it. It is hard to have a great relationship when someone is focused on something else other than you.

Eyes on Partners Plate – Some people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. You cannot change anyone. It is not your job to fix your partner. You can only change yourself. In fact, every time you want your partner to change; ask yourself what you will change in yourself to make the relationship better.

Which one do you need to work on?

About David Lawson

Finding the Light is a locally owned and operated counselling and life coaching business based in Bundaberg. We seek to empower our clients to find their way forward to a better life by using the approaches of counselling or coaching. If this blog article has raised more questions please contact us by email or call us on 0407 585 497 to arrange a time for us to discuss the article. Mention this blog and we will give you a FREE 30 minute session to discuss.

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