Its sometimes much easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves. We can offer a friend who is made a mistake encouragement, patience and understanding. But when it comes to ourselves we tend to be more self-critical. The good news is that speaking kindly to ourselves is a skill you can learn.
Pay attention to your inner voice
Notice how you talk to yourself during everyday moments – when you’re running late, make an error at work, or feel overwhelmed. Do you hear phrases like “I’m hopeless” or “I should be better than this”? Simply noticing these patterns (without judging them) creates space for change.
Say what you would say to a friend
A helpful rule of thumb is this: Would I say this to someone I care about? If the answer is no, try rephrasing. Instead of “I’ve completely stuffed this up,” you might say, “This didn’t go as planned, but I’m learning.” Kind self-talk isn’t about pretending everything is perfect – it’s about being fair and supportive.
Use your name or ‘you’
It might feel a bit strange, but research shows that using your own name or saying “you” instead of “I” can reduce emotional intensity. For example: “Mia, you’re doing your best today,” or “You can handle this one step at a time.” This creates a bit of psychological distance and makes self-kindness easier to access.
Replace ‘should’ with curiosity
“Should” statements often fuel guilt and shame. Try swapping them for curiosity. Instead of “I should be coping better,” ask, “What’s making this hard right now?” Curiosity opens the door to problem-solving and compassion rather than self-criticism.
Create a few go-to phrases
When things feel tough, it helps to have some kind phrases ready to go, such as:
- “This is hard, and I’m allowed to feel this way.”
- “I don’t have to be perfect to be worthwhile.”
- “I can take this one step at a time.”
Practise when things are going well
Self-kindness isn’t just for bad days. Practising kind self-talk when you’re calm helps it feel more natural when stress hits. A simple “I handled that well” or “I’m proud of myself for trying” reinforces the habit.
I invite you to speak kinder to yourself.
